by Gianna E. Israel for IFGE's TRANSGENDER "Ask Gianna"
Copyright © 1995, all rights reserved.
When the phrase "closeted crossdresser" comes to mind, frequently most people think of stereotypes. Such as the secretive man who masturbates wildly over erotic fantasies while wearing hot, sexy lingerie. Then, there's the stereotype of the tearful individual revealing for the first time his secret to family in front of a national television audience. In own community, the phrase brings on smug satisfaction and knowing, from transgender individuals who call themselves "out" at social functions but would never tell their neighbour or best friend about their gender issues.
Working as a Gender Specialist brings to mind a much different picture. "Closeted crossdressers," like their "out" transgender counterparts, often have interesting life stories, as well as a desire to have their identities, needs and experiences validated. Furthermore, it is often assumed that transition-oriented persons have accessible support services because they are more noticeable; however other transgender persons, including closeted individuals, need safe, enjoyable outlets for socialization and reliable sources of educational information.
In many respects crossdressers and other transgender persons are more alike than different. However being "closeted" can present some unique difficulties and situations. For example: when should an individual tell a prospective long-term relationship partner about his or her crossdressing needs? And, why tell a marriage partner at all? Particular when the secret has been well hidden for so long.
Recently I received a call from a telephone consultation client, who we will refer to as "Mandy" for the purpose of this article. Mandy wanted to know what the likelihood would be of secretly carrying out one's crossdressing throughout a forty-year marriage...and not be found out? -Since this question is a difficult one there are no quick and easy answers. As we scheduled several sessions, I asked Mandy to spend time thinking about the benefits and drawbacks of carrying out such a plan.
After ending the call, many questions came to mind which I wrote down for our next session. First, how strong and frequent was the individual's need to crossdress? Second, how observant was the spouse, particularly when balanced against the client's ability to assess the spouse's observational skills. Third, how "interdependent" and established is their relationship? Lastly, does the individual have enough financial, emotional and outside resources to establish a "secret life," including attendance of social events.
During our next session, Mandy and I talked about the benefits and drawbacks of disclosing in his particular situation. Like many other closeted individuals, Mandy felt that by disclosing he would no longer have to fear being found out. Moreover, he would not have to walk around with feelings of guilt for having intentionally deceived and hidden personal facts about himself from the most important person in his life. Finally, if somehow she accepted his crossdressing, there was the possibility of building up a decent wardrobe instead of "living' out of a suitcase hidden in the basement.
The potential risks Mandy faces by disclosing should sound familiar to my readers, after all, they encompass many of the same fears "closeted" crossdressers face on a regular basis. For example, Mandy's spouse may outright ask for a divorce and never let him see their children. In addition, since divorce is rarely quiet, there was the possibility of being "found out" by nosy or gossiping co-workers. Mandy had recently learned on the Internet Relay Chat (IRC) that occasionally a hurt and vindictive spouse will become malicious and try to get the crossdresser fired at work. -Lastly, during the disclosure process, many spouses will confuse a person's crossdressing activity with an individual having a homosexual orientation.
It should be noted that some of the most poorly communicated disclosures do not end dramatically, as our fears would lead us to believe. Rather, in the long-term, disclosure typically reinforces a relationship's pre-existing structure and difficulties either negatively or positively. If a relationship is fraught with miscommunication, dishonesty, abuse or unsupportive behaviour, it seems likely those patterns will continue and that the crossdressing issues may constantly be reintroduced as a factor in a couple's unhappiness. This explains why so many disclosures do not directly lead to divorce, instead a spouse will be supportive one moment, and yet turn around at a later point and use the issue as ammunition during arguments or passive-aggressive behaviour. Frequently, these patterns can last for years. When divorce finally does occur it is because the couple had a troubled relationship long before crossdressing issues became apparent.
Fortunately, the majority of worse case scenarios that closeted crossdressers "catastrophize" about can be avoided by developing a disclosure strategy as well as assessing whether disclosing one's crossdressing is relatively safe or will create a danger to the relationship. While there does exist a great deal of educational information about crossdressing, many individuals who want to disclose do not have sufficient experience talking about their issues and needs to smoothly carry out a successful disclosure process. This is why one should not attempt first-time disclosure without first seeking some type of support from a gender-specializing counsellor, transgender community leader or some individual familiar with the "coming out" process and who has proven communication skills. Because "closeted" crossdressers do not typically like to come into a counselling office for fear of being associated as a crossdresser, many prefer setting up a telephone consultation arrangement to discuss their disclosure needs or spend hours seeking assistance from help lines.
Mandy, in our case scenario, was uncertain he wanted to live in the closet for 40 years. It came to our attention while assessing his "disclosure strategy," that had he not sought support, he would have made the common mistake of "failing to address the needs of others." This can be significantly alienating to a spouse first finding out about crossdressing issues. In a pre-communication "draft" letter Mandy faxed to me, he spent a great deal of time conveying how much pain he was in and telling his spouse how worried he was that he would lose her. However, he failed to address his awareness that "the most loved person in his life" would likely need some attention, support and information since crossdressing issues are not common marital concerns. This point cannot be understated, particularly if a crossdresser is interested in receiving support for himself. We discussed Mandy's plan to provide his "love one" basic information about crossdressing. I also suggested he encourage her to seek out information on her own if she had personal concerns she felt uncomfortable discussing with him. -She might do so by contacting a "Significant Other" support group or a 3rd-party, who is familiar with gender issues, yet sufficiently removed from the situation so as not be considered his ally.
Mandy's efforts at developing a disclosure strategy serves as a reminder that disclosure within relationships can be complex. Likewise, assessing whether disclosing is relatively safe or potentially dangerous is not always easy. The following questions can help in that assessment process:
As a closing thought I would like to emphasize that disclosure with a marriage partner can be difficult. This is also true for individuals looking to make a relationship commitment prior to marriage. If you are an individual who is in the process of developing a committed relationship, taking time now to be honest about your needs can avoid years of grief in the future. Generally the earlier your crossdressing needs are disclosed to a potential partner, the sooner you can find out if a relationship will work. It should be noted that potential spouses are also more likely to be accepting of crossdressing needs if told before "commitments" and "expectations" have been introduced into a relationship. If a potential partner is unaccepting or unwilling to negotiate your crossdressing needs, you deserve better. There are prospective partners out there who are accepting of crossdressing.