Copyright 1996
by Gianna E. Israel
Consider the shock a "closeted" or even relatively private transgender individual might feel showing up at work one day to discover their crossdressing or gender identity issues have become public knowledge. Imagine also the trapped feeling a crossdresser may likely experience when met at the door by a spouse furiously holding up that secret stash of lacy panties, red high heel pumps and make-up bag. These types of situations do happen, sometimes even when an individual thinks he or she has prepared adequate privacy safeguards. Therefore it is typically wise for an individual to understand the basic dynamics of damage control as a communication skill.
One of the most important aspects to understanding damage control is to first acknowledge that when personal issues are thrown in our face, a natural impulse is to react with behaviour and words driven by feelings...NOT...rationalized thought. Frequently responses based on first reactions have deep roots in a person's deepest fears and insecurities, and they may respond in a manner which may prove regretful later. Therefore it is typically best when encountering strong confrontation or a shocking revelation, to take a deep breath and emotionally step back, and make a non-threatening comment that validates the person's discovery. A crossdresser having just been found out by his spouse might say, "I see you have discovered my secret stash of personal items and it is something we should discuss after I have had a moment to collect my thoughts."
One essential communication tool which can be of assistance in everything from business communiqués to damage control is the usage of "brevity." Frequently when a person is confronted with sensitive information that has been discovered by others, he or she may feel tempted to explain the whole situation. Sometimes the person does so hoping to gain sympathy from others by sharing every possible detail of their experiences. In most circumstances this simply isn't necessary, and frequently leaves people with the impression they are dealing with an unstable, needy individual. Generally, in most circumstances using brevity will help you appear more secure and stable.
For instance, if an individual comes to work one day to discover that their "secret" has been shared all over the workplace, if confronted the person has several choices. Without admitting anything, an individual may mirror back what the person has been told. "So, you have heard I am a transsexual, that must have been a very interesting conversation." He or she may briefly also confirm the discovery, without actually volunteering any real information until ready to do so. "Yes, as a matter of fact I have had a transgender identity for years."
To add a personalized "spin" while validating the person's statement, one may also say, "I thought you knew about this all along." I particularly like this statement because it places responsibility on the other party to have already observed the transgendered traits. If suddenly this is a "new" discovery to them, it is because they have failed to be observant. Be advised that this statement should not be used by a deep, super-deeply closeted person where it would be impossible for others to detect cross-gendered behaviours.
"I did not know how to tell you," is one of the most frequently overlooked damage control statements that is easiest to say. This statement is best used when a person who is confronted by family members, friends, and close co-workers, and asked how come they were not told sooner. Sometimes a person does not disclose their transgender status because they do not know what to call it, or have enough information on the subject to properly disclose their needs. If this is the case, add this information to your message. Its only realistic that a person can't know all things at all times.
One communication dynamic I have learned in the course of providing counselling, is that when a person I am speaking with brings up specific feelings in myself, occasionally my feelings are a reflection of what the other person is experiencing. Knowledge of this dynamic can be particularly useful when encountering a surprise confrontation. All to often individuals may ask or state one thing, and actually be experiencing or feeling something completely different. Generally if the person's confrontation brings up a strong feeling in myself, I try and interpret what is going on with that individual. They may feel angry, sad, frustrated or confused. If I suspect this is the case, I work it into my dialogue by telling the person that sometimes people have difficulty expressing what they are experiences, and then state that it is OK to state how he or she really feels about the situation.
Finally, as a last piece of advise, enhance your communications repertoire by consulting with others before you speak. There is nothing wrong with asking, or even telling, another person, "I'm really busy right now, can I get back to you later on that subject." Use this to buy time and call a friend, therapist or someone familiar with good communication skills, and even transgender issues. During your private consultation discuss your feelings about situation, your needs and responsibilities, and possible consequences. Plan out your response and reinitiate the conversation with the person who confronted you, feeling empowered and better prepared.
After the event has passed, take time to review your reactions and think of ways you might improve your communication skills. However, even if you feel you handled a situation poorly do not emotionally beat yourself up. Remember that over time the more experienced one has talking about their gender issues the less difficult it will be dealing with confrontation. Damage control is never a fun pursuit when it involves personally sensitive matters, however it can be challenging and with experience brings out our best communication skills.