by Gianna E. Israel
Copyright © 1996, all rights reserved.
Crossdressers, trangenderists, transsexual, and other transgender persons frequently experience deep feelings of guilt. This article will briefly cover the dynamics of guilt as well as propose solutions for reshaping guilt into a healthy medium. I will do so by using mini "case scenarios," however first here is some background about our subject.
No one enjoys feeling guilty, this feeling can however play an important, healthy role in social survival. When we do something inappropriate we may feel guilty about it, particularly if we are conscientious (or aware) of the difference between right and wrong. In part this mechanism helps us from repeating the same mistake twice.
Guilt also can change form. For example, when an individual's guilty feelings stay around awhile, they may become translated into a negative judgment of self worth which is called "shame." Guilt and shame are powerful feelings, which at times others may attempt to exploit in an effort to get someone to do as they wish.
Like other feelings, guilt can take on many forms to meet a variety of situations and circumstances. In the transgender world I have heard hundreds of reasons why individuals feel guilty about their activities, behaviours, thoughts, beliefs and also self identity. Persons may also have guilty feelings for not doing anything, such as in the case of persons who know they have gender needs and feel guilty for having waited long periods of time before seeking support.
Leon, in our first case scenario is an older crossdresser. He feels deeply guilty because his two adult children recently found out that he had been secretly crossdressing throughout their entire childhood. He said they accused him of being dishonest, and relayed the sentiment that they felt he should have sought treatment for his sickness instead of hiding it.
Should Leon feel guilty? I think not. Many crossdressers reasonably choose not to disclose their crossdressing needs to children, particularly in situations where a parent keeps this personal activity in a private setting so that it does not effect others. In raising children, parents have the right to privacy and Leon should firmly state so.
Because Leon has the right to privacy and because crossdressing is not a "sickness," his children's accusations and judgments are erroneous. Leon appears to be needlessly suffering from a case of irrational guilt based on other's negative viewpoints about crossdressing. In this situation it would be wise if Leon would reinvest his guilty feelings into addressing his adult children's prejudices about crossdressing.
"Rita," who is also known as Richard, is a self-identified transgenderist individual who has lived "in role" part-time for the past three years. During her personal life she usually presents as Rita, retaining her male identity for workplace and conservative social settings. Rita feels guilty because she started hormones three months ago, yet has not told her significant other Susan, about the change. Susan has stated she does not mind and rather enjoys Rita living in role part-time. However, she also stated she is not interested in continuing the relationship should Rita make any permanent physical changes that would effect their sex life, social standing, or which lead to Genital Reassignment.
Should Rita feel guilty? Perhaps. Depending on the hormone dosage there exists the possibility of permanent physical changes taking place. If Rita is looking to make physical changes without Susan's knowledge, she may justifiably feel guilty for initiating a treatment without disclosing a serious medical change effecting both persons. If Rita is looking to utilize hormones solely to increase an androgynous outward appearance, and is not looking for full female development or interested in Genital Reassignment, then perhaps she should not feel guilty. Instead Rita would be wise to address her fears of losing Susan. Also Rita may wish to further emphasize her disinterest in making permanent physical changes.
"Selena" is a hot Latina crossdressing personality who enjoys a fast night life and frequently asks, "Donde esta la tequila?" (Where's the tequila?) Recently while gyrating wildly on the dance floor, Selena encountered an enthralled young man who had never experienced transgender passion yet fantasized about it frequently. Soon, overcome by desire they made their way back to Selena's place and spent a full weekend in bed pleasing each other in every way imaginable. At their parting on Monday morning the two decided to remain friends and stay in contact. Now, a week later the young man does not return Selena's phone calls and has refused to speak to her on several occasions at the night club. Selena is now worried that she shared her secrets too fast.
Our hearts go out to Selena. Selena's concern that she introduced transgender passion to quickly into the encounter are in fact cleverly disguised feelings of guilt. Should Selena feel guilty? Absolutely not, particularly since both persons are consenting adults and the young man expressed interest in experiencing a transgender encounter. I would venture to guess that the young man may be having internalized guilty feelings since this was his first time exploring his curiosity. Selena, however, should not get involved in his immature disrespect (not returning phone calls and ignoring her at the nightclub) but instead seek out an "amor" capable of following through with a friendship.
Mabel is a 46 year old transsexual. She is now considering starting to live in role full-time. However, she feels deeply guilty that she has wasted so much time starting her transition. Much of that time she lived in the closet, being afraid to share her secret with others.
Should Mabel feel guilty? No! Many people, in fact the majority, start their transition after age 35. Those that do in some aspects are lucky. Social survival skills come much easier to those having lived as an adult. With age also comes patience and insight. No one should waste their energy feeling guilty or ashamed of who they are or where they have come from.
Steve is a 29 year old "fetishistic" crossdresser. Since childhood he has always secretly felt the need to wear silk panties throughout the day, and then find release by masturbating at the end of each day. Now, as an adult this pattern continues. Steve wears his wife's panties under his business suits, and upon returning home from work each day, rushes into the bathroom and masturbates.
Steve feels deeply guilty over this pattern. He has been married to Vicky for 3 years and feels that hiding his behaviour is dishonest. However, no matter how dishonest the behaviour is, Steve is feels reticent to talk with Vicky about his problem fearing that she may leave him.
Should Steve feel guilty? Absolutely not. Steve's fetish pattern apparently fulfils deep inner needs that cannot be satisfied through traditional stress-release mechanisms. It is important to note that although Steve feels guilty about his behaviour, the pattern is not harming him or others. Because the pattern is part of Steve's very personal life, this invites question as to whether discussing masturbation with a spouse is required. Steve would be well served by learning to accept his pattern for what it is, a natural human variation on sexuality. Clearly, Steve wants acceptance and perhaps to share his secret. He would do well to talk this issue over with a sexologist, gender specialist or another person having similar desires. Doing so may allow him to build up his self-esteem and communication skills, after this he may then reassess whether disclosure is appropriate.